Don't get me wrong, I know some people who give off this same vibe, and I'm sure you do too. But I sensed this not just from a few people, but practically everyone I encountered.
Their smiles were infectious. Their eyes sparkled with a joyful lightness that was mismatched to the challenges of living in a developing country. Just being in their presence made you, too, feel good.
Why this struck me as so particularly odd was not just the quantity of experiences I had like this, but also the context of the encounters.
One memory that has stayed with me all these years happened on a microbus in the capital city of Kathmandu.
If you've never been to a developing country and experienced public transportation, you're in for a serious culture shock on your first attempt. Microbuses are roughly the size of a passenger van that, in the States, would seat up to 10 passengers--but in Nepal is expected to carry about 40 people!
One morning, during my 45-minute commute from my hostel to the orphanage where I worked each day, I remember our bus stopping to pick up passengers even though we were already uncomfortably packed in so tightly that it seemed even a deep breath by one passenger threatened to burst the riveted seams of our vehicle.
The passenger was a young woman carrying a baby, and she couldn't squeeze into the bus while simultaneously managing to carry her child. Instead, she passed the baby overhead into the arms of strangers in the van while she clung to the handrail of the door.
I couldn't take my eyes off of the scene playing out as we lurched forward and rolled over the dusty dirt road. One wrong bump, and the woman would surely lose her grasp and topple into traffic. But she didn't seem afraid at all. Nor did she seem concerned that her baby was being bounced on the knee of an elderly man and cooed at by even more strangers squeezed into the same seat. The baby giggled happily as his mother smiled and made conversation with the bus driver--all the while, clutching the side of the bus for dear life.
I suddenly felt guilty for all the times I'd ever complained about sitting in traffic.
In my late-model, well-appointed car.
With air conditioning.
Without any strangers sitting on my lap.
But this woman, dangling from the side of a jostling vehicle, had eyes that exuded joy as she laughed in easy conversation during that hectic morning commute with her small child.
Although our lives are filled with innumerable conveniences, efficiencies, and even luxuries that ease our burdens, bring us comfort, and make us happy, we seem to be collectively deficient in joy. A quick scan of the number of self-help books on Amazon.com confirms that there is a large audience looking for the joy and meaning that seems to be missing from their lives.
Scientists who study this phenomenon call it the pleasure paradox. The theory states that pleasure-seeking actually interferes with our ability to experience joy.
Imagine Joe likes to paint with watercolors. Most people would think that Joe paints because he gets happiness from it. But, really, Joe paints simply because he likes painting. The resulting joy is just a byproduct of the activity.
Another way to look at it: Cindy sees that Joe derives happiness from painting and decides that she will start painting in order to increase her own happiness. But, for some reason, it doesn't work for her. The more she does it, the more she hates it, and her unhappiness grows. She can't understand why it works for Joe, but not her, and she even feels a touch of jealousy toward Joe and his joyful outlook.
Painting with watercolors works for Joe because he's not doing it to achieve a feeling of joy. It doesn't work for Cindy because the only reason she's doing it is to try to achieve happiness, but she really doesn't like the activity.
But there's something else going on in the pleasure paradox that's essential to cultivating joy and meaning in life.
Joe paints because he likes painting. He doesn't say, "I'll only be happy if I paint the best painting…or, if my paintings win awards…or, if my painting is better than it was last week."
Joe is engaging in two key practices when he paints, and he might not even be aware of it: Humility and Gratitude.
Humility
The way we understand the concept of humility in the Western world is influenced by Christian thought largely over the past 500 or so years since the reformation. These modern definitions of humility are about ranking, or comparing, ourselves against something else, and not appearing to reach above our station.
But comparison, as we've all heard, is the thief of joy.
Earlier ideas about humility offer another interpretation. Humility is about recognizing our interconnectedness and interdependence with the whole of life. It is the idea that no one succeeds alone, and that we are stronger together. Going back thousands of years, Confucianism, for example, teaches that humility is about seeing equal value in everyone and being able to learn from each other.
Mark McLeod-Harrison is a researcher and professor of philosophy at George Fox University, and also an ordained priest. He writes about humility: "One must believe the truth about oneself and act in a manner that places appropriate value on the truth about oneself."
When our fictitious friend, Joe, derives joy from painting with watercolors it's due, in part, to the level of humility he practices by having an honest and accurate opinion of his strengths and abilities. He doesn't derive joy from telling everyone that he is the best painter. It comes simply through engaging in the activity for what it is.
But that doesn't mean Joe can't also celebrate his accomplishments when his painting technique improves.
"True humility recognizes that one is not, at least all by oneself, the source of one’s abilities. Some are ‘by nature’ better at basketball than others. One can hone one’s basketball skills so as to become, perhaps, a professional ball player. But one’s basic physical frame, coordination, and good peripheral eyesight are not something one brings about by oneself. Humility requires an attitude, we might say, of gratefulness or at least the recognition that what one is and one’s basic capacities are not (entirely) of one’s own making1."
Gratitude
True humility occurs only when we also practice gratitude by recognizing our gifts and talents, as well as those experiences that have helped us to learn and grow. This gratitude practice is what allows us to feel joy.
When we practice humility and gratitude, we recognize and celebrate the comforts, pleasures, gifts, and experiences in our lives, and we acknowledge these are cause and effect blessings that have come as a result of the complex interconnectedness of our life with all of life--not a result of our own self-centered sense of importance.
When we remind ourselves of these truths, we feel a deep sense of gratitude and joy that adds meaning to our life.
What might be challenging about that in the modern world is that comfort is rather abundant. We tend to almost take pleasure for granted because it's so readily available in so many forms.
Most of us don't have to walk for miles to try to find clean water for our families. Most of us aren't worried about attacks by wild animals because we lack indoor plumbing and have to go outdoors to relieve ourselves. And most of us don't have to think about where we'll get food because we have our pick of grocery stores packed with everything we need.
We have the ability to come home from a day at work and flop onto a cozy sofa, flip on the TV to a comedy, dial up pizza delivery to fill our bellies, and blissfully zone out until it's time to curl up in our soft, warm beds at night.
But we feel empty and long for something more from life.
This is the paradox of seeking pleasure. The more we reach for it, the more it seems to elude us.
Instead, try seeking a more meaningful life through practicing gratitude. A humble practice of gratitude is both a reminder of how we fit into the world contextually with all of life, as well as a celebration of what's good in our own lives.
Try this:
1. Look For The Good
Start making it a habit to identify what's good in your life. Like any habit, you'll need to build muscle memory in order for this to become a more natural part of your daily perspective, but with time, you should notice that your automatic thoughts begin to shift. Some people like to encourage this practice by keeping a gratitude journal, but if journaling isn't your thing, that's okay too. This free workbook will give you a variety of ideas beyond journaling, as well as prompts to get started.
2. Situate Yourself In The Moment
Instead of just collecting thoughts of gratitude, try using them as a way to fit yourself within the social context of your experience. For example, how does the event or experience you're feeling grateful for fit into the larger picture of life in your community? Your geographic region? Nature? History? The whole world?
Be careful not to use this reflection as a form of comparison that sets your experience as better-than or worse-than others. Simply observe what is true with mindful compassion.
3. Practice Your Acceptance Speech
Whenever you watch an awards show like the Grammys, Emmys, or Tony Awards, you probably notice that most winners take time to acknowledge how they received their talents and strengths. Maybe a teacher or mentor showed you how to do something. Maybe you learned something from a particularly good book. Maybe someone else's work built a foundation for you to leverage in your own goals. Maybe sacrifices were made by others for you to have certain opportunities. Think about the shoulders you stand upon, as well as the way your life is connected to a web of others', and reflect on how it's all brought you to this experience of gratitude.
Ready to begin building your own gratitude practice, or enhance the work you're already doing? Download this free guide and workbook filled with a variety of ideas to try, as well as 52 weekly prompts to inspire your reflections for a whole year!
1McLeod-Harrison, M. S. (2017). Humility, love and radical discipleship: Steps toward an ontology of the sainted self. Studies in Christian Ethics, 30(3), 278-292.
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